Funny Jokes about Wanking

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise



New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 

Extra large box of tissues: £2 

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: priceless



No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I am at work



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual checkup. 

She told me that I have to stop wanking. 

I asked, "why?" 

She replied, "because I'm trying to examine you"



I organised a threesome last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time



Nothing says "almost caught masturbating" like having your mom walk in on you looking at the Google homepage



I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She is still too young to understand what I was doing, though



What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? 

Your ears



Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality


My wife said, "why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "it's not what you think, it's ice cream," 

She said, "how did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"



I've been teaching my daughter about masturbation today and she's been asking loads of questions... Like, "when do I get to use my own hand?"



I wanked over a blind girl the other day. She didn't see me coming



More jokes to come... If you pardon the pun :-)