Something to Offend Just about Everybody

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car!

 

 

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

 

 

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt
is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now
the only gay in the village.

 

 

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
"Holy F**k" she screams "and YOU want ME to see a
doctor about sucking my thumb!"

 

 

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

 

 

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had
a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of
shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon.
The End.

 

 

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some
of my clothes to the starving people of the world.
I told them to "f**k off, anyone who fits into my clothes
isn't starving!”

 

 

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera
with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a
photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

 

 

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

 

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days
when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or
bus and think "I'm f**king having that!"

 

 

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

 

 

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his
wife. He dials 999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've
accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator: "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK, BANG,

Paddy: "OK, done that, what next?