Jimmy Carr One-Liners
1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-boned girl. She said: "I think you're fattist." I said: "No, I think you'll find you're fattest".
2) If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
14) The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
18) Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn't help thinking: "Stop clicking your fingers".
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying: "Can I have a new bike?" He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him: "They're like buses." He said: "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?" I said: "No, they are like buses!"
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me : "Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"
36) Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.
37) I'm not being condescending. I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done".