Funny Wife Jokes

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years.
Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

One old man reeled in his line, laid down his rod, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his rod and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious.

" The other looked at him and said, "Least I could do, we was married for 42 years!"