95 Funny Facebook Status Updates

1. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

2. Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you're saying what you really think of them.

3. I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.

4. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

5. You can't be late until you show up.

6. War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.

7. If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

8. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

9. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

10. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay. So if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

11. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

12. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

13. Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

14. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban

15. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa

16. Don't let your mind wander—it's too little to be let out alone.

17. Life's a bitch; if it were easy it'd be a slut.

18. I'd call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.

19. Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, "You can't fire me, I quit!"

20. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

21. To err is human. To arr is pirate.

22. I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.

24. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

25. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

26. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

27. I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.

28. I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

29. I once stood in the back and said, "Everyone attack!" but it didn't turn into a Ballroom Blitz.

30. Learn from Pandora's mistake—think outside the box.

31. Don't look now, but I'm hiding under your bed.

32. Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.

33. Freedom means the right to yell, "THEATRE!" in a crowded fire.

34. I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.

35. If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

36. I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine."

37. Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where's Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.

38. Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.

39. Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.

40. Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.

41. I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes...

42. I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.

43. Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply, "What do you need?"

44. I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.

45. TEIAM—problem solved.

46. I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

47. I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where's Waldo. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.

48. It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T" and "G" are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

49. I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It's probably meant to be "stop timer," but I don't touch it, just in case.

50. When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?

51. People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

52. The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.

53. If your relationship status says, "It's complicated," maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single."

54. I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.

55. How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik's cube if you were color blind?

56. I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

57. I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.

58. "Dammit I'm mad" is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.

59. Who decided that paper beats rock? Let's test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?

60. Grammar is important. Commas save lives, as in this example: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Let's eat, grandpa."

Passed out at your computer or surfing the web for hilarious Facebook status updates? Well, you serenity now may equate to insanity later.
Passed out at your computer or surfing the web for hilarious Facebook status updates? Well, you serenity now may equate to insanity later.

61. Serenity now = insanity later.

62. The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. ~ Julius Caesar

63. My cell phone is so outdated that it has a rotary dial.

64. There are more than two kinds of people in this world. Don't believe the bumper stickers.

65. Don't make me have to wound your inner child.

66. I hate when mimes get in your face and don't say anything. ~ Butthead

67. The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat.

68. I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it—he was a dwarf! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

69. I saw a provocative movie the other day called The Net, starring that girl from the bus. ~ Mr. Costanza, The Seinfeld Show

70. Fell off the jetway again. ~ Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

71. If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Ireland. And Japan. And Peru. And I'd want to see the Grand Canyon. And the other two oceans. It would be a pretty busy week.

72. If Sergeant Extreme and Major Awesome had visited my high school, I probably would have joined the US Army too.

73. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed," I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. ~ Tommy, Tommy Boy

74. These things happen, ya know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninjas and nazis and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news. ~ Peter Griffin, Family Guy

75. Dr. Shakalu brought some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer. ~ Grandma's Boy

76. Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the "compliment sandwich," where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

77. Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

78. I stopped to smell the roses once. A bee flew out of the flower and up my nose, stung me in the nasal vestibule, and caused a severe allergic reaction and six days of swollen septum. Now whenever I see roses, I keep walking.

79. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy, but then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

80. I once reported my roommate to INS. Turns out she's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

Don't try to force a laugh. If you find it hard, I would be happy to do it for you.
Don't try to force a laugh. If you find it hard, I would be happy to do it for you.

81. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

82. When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing "Chocolate Rain" about a thousand times. ~ Michael Scott, The Office

83. If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing? ~ Michael Scott, The Office

84. I've never had champagne that tastes like cherry cola, but I know someone who wants to live like the ape man.

85. Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me—no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make. ~ Michael Scott, The Office

86. Security in this office is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? ~ Dwight Schrute, The Office

87. I didn't say, "Abe Lincoln," I said, "Hey, Blinken!" ~ Ahchoo, Robin Hood: Men In Tights

88. I'm gonna grab one of those bulls over there and ride into town like a conquistador to challenge Hatcher to a duel, show him who the real tooth fairy is.

89. I just want everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I want to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, the creator of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan. (Of course, this status is much more effective if you are a Facebook fan of "Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly.")

90. I was God once. It was going really well until everyone died.

91. Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool. ~ Bender, Futurama

92. Leela cracked corn, and I don't care. Fry cracked corn, I still don't care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that, you stupid corn! ~ Bender, Futurama

93. Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

94. It's been 243 days since my last attempt to take over the world. I've been distracted by my current mission: to leave everyone uninformed and clueless.

95. I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool.

96. I don't want a large Farva! I want a goddamn liter-o'-cola!! ~ Officer Farva, Super Troopers

97. The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Could you imagine if I went into work, did half of the job, then said, "Come back next week for the continuation!"

98. How did you fit a lion in your pocket? No wonder it's ready to roar.

99. First the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came, and they all bought Benzes.

100. Who is Pete and why is it for his sake?

I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy and because I wanted post about it on social media.
I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy and because I wanted post about it on social media.

101. I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy, and I do what I want.

102. If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. ~ Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

103. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs! ~ Dr. Oz, The Whole Nine Yards

104. If my employer were more democratic than communist, they might allow us to vote on making Wednesday part of the "mid-week weekend" incentive program that I just made up. I vote "aye," save me, Jebus! ~ Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

105. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? But sometimes when you get it back, it's horribly deformed and covered in an unusually smelly gelatinized mass that you can't identify.

106. I'd pay a dollar and a half to see a tree museum.

107. The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese. ~ Senator Ortolan Finistirre, Thank You For Smoking

108. My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

109. Whenever I'm on fire, I remember to stop, drop, and roll, not run around screaming my head off. ~ Dead Man on Campus

110. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. ~ Hansel, Zoolander

111. Easy, guys, I put my pants on just like the rest of you—one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL

112. I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL

113. Do sealions eat seazebras? ~ Pinky, Pinky and the Brain

114. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.

115. The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil, or adventurous is about to happen.

116. If the game doesn't freeze every six minutes, then you're not watching Fox.

117. I had part of a slinky once. I straightened it.

118. If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

119. I am not crazy! At least, no more than any normal person should be.

120. Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on it. ~ al masum from the comments section

Really? Fruitcake?
Really? Fruitcake?

121. Who likes fruitcake? I mean, really, giving you a fruitcake for a present is just another way of saying, "I dislike you so much that I'm going to give you 2000 calories of jellied fruit and nut compacted into a brick and wrapped in plastic."

122. A person may be inherently wise or experienced, but that means little or nothing if he/she is perceived as a fool. I, on the other hand, am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. ~ Combination of The Princess Bride and "Building Pathology, An Introduction"

123. (Name) is trying not to think about penguins.

124. Good things are coming soon. Stay tuned for more information after a few words from our sponsors.

125. (Name) wants to go someplace warm where the beer flows like wine.

126. Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on Facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium.

127. You're so vain, you probably think this status is about you.

128. I wish I was as smart as I think I am.

129. The next time somebody texts me with "k," I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k."

130. Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is so wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

131. (Name) thinks the xylophone is totally underrated.

132. Where is the chase and how do I cut to it? ~ Chris Griffin, Family Guy

133. If Santa were to name his balls, would he call one "Milk" and the other "Cookies"?

134. If winning doesn't matter, then why keep score?

135. It's amazing how something as simple as yelling and throwing things, although it doesn't solve your problems or help you find a solution, still makes you feel better! Now I need something to throw and somewhere to yell.

136. (Name) is not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe.

137. (Name) needs to master the art of patience. Quickly.

138. If a person who drinks too much is an alcoholic, then is someone who never drinks called a non-alcoholic?

139. If you think you have nothing to be thankful for today, consider this: At least you're not a turkey. Happy Holidays, folks. Enjoy your time today. (Only effective on Thanksgiving Day.)

140. I lost my accountabilibuddy.

Hooray for beer! You deserve it.
Hooray for beer! You deserve it.

141. You've worked hard all week. You deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, and sweat on the bathroom floor, where you will wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath, and nausea. Have a good time, because you deserve this.

142. You don't want to question me. I've forgotten more in the past week than you've learned your whole life.

143. If I become a fan of myself, does that mean that every time I update my wall it will send an update to my wall?

144. A Penn State student trying to raise money for cancer came up to my car asking for money. I told her that I don't support cancer or Penn State.

145. Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend." I said, "Yes, I do, but don't tell my husband."

146. Somewhere in America, someone you don't like is praying for you. ~ Rachel Maddow

147. Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

148. (Name) is searching for zen. So far, it's not at Subway or Wawa.

149. You are on the phone, someone 'asks', "Hold please." No, no question—they just say it and put you on hold. Can you scream, "NO!" into the phone before they put you on hold? Will they hear it before you get put on hold? Will they think you're crazy? Will they still put you on hold? Will they hang up on you? Will they help you sooner? You have now been on hold 24 minutes. Discuss.

Inspirational and Heartfelt Facebook Status Updates

Niagara Falls is proof that art cannot compare to nature.
Niagara Falls is proof that art cannot compare to nature.

While it's fun to be snarky, once in a while it's good to throw in something sincere. After all, life is too short not to take a break and try to gain some perspective once in a while.

150. No artist could ever compare to the mastery of Mother Nature.

151. If you're so caught up in avoiding lightning, you may not ever enjoy a single thunderstorm.

152. One of the great regrets of my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all for the sake of a paycheck.

153. There are so many gods, so many creeds, so many paths that wind and wind, while all the sad world requires is simply the art of being kind.

154. If crying doesn't make the sad things better, then why do we do it?

155. Go away, bad mood. I didn't invite you into my world today.

156. Look outside of yourself, and you will appreciate others' accomplishments, failures, hardships, and journeys.

157. I was not part of the problem, but I will be part of the solution.

158. If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there.

159. Sometimes things happen in life that are not part of the plan. When that happens, don't give up on your dreams; just find another way to reach them.

160. Small repairs in a broken wall help to build a stronger barrier against the sea of negativity that surrounds us.

161. Everything Irie.

162. Dear Life: You have some explaining to do.

163. If you remind yourself of the great things in life, the tough times don't seem so devastating.

164. Looks can fade as quickly as the clouds pass through the sky. It's the moments that touch your heart and heal your soul that last forever, along with the people who bring them to you.

165. Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveable. You will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.

166. All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine ~ Socrates

167. A hero is born among a hundred, and a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand.

168. All noble things are as difficult as they are rare.

169. Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.

170. Every passing moment is another chance to turn it around.

171. Today is going to be difficult and challenging. Today, I will face my fears and stand up for what I believe is right. Today, my noble and selfless acts may be accused of cruel and greedy intentions. No matter what the outcome, I will be stronger, my family will be closer, and I will finally have the closure that I have been seeking for so many years.

172. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

173. Try this for a day: Instead of saying, "I hate," say "I dislike."

174. A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee.

175. We have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, and lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are taught through pain.

176. Kudos to those who have the abilities to do what I cannot do.

177. My dreams are bigger than my wallet, but I'll find a way.

178. Realize your potential.

179. Don't overreact or give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

180. The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you. You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.

181. Beneath the criticism is an underlying message. Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. Compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. That's what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Don't take the bait.

182. Staying connected is more important than making your point.

183. Saying nothing when you really want to say something only pushes those differences, disagreements, and conflicts under a simmering surface. Just be careful about how you air your feelings when you decide to open up during a conflict.

184. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only give you restlessness.

185. I can't pinpoint the moment when we started working toward uncommon goals, but I'm fairly certain that it corresponds with the moment when we stopped being productive.

186. Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins became a tourist attraction.

187. I cannot change the seasons or the wind (at least, not yet), but I can change myself.

188. Although I have loved and lost, it does not make this tragic time any less devastating. All that I can do is remember the life and love that was given and give thanks for the wonderful people brought together at such an enormous expense.

189. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

190. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

191. As devastating as things may seem, there is always that glimmer of hope to guide you through the storm.

192. I'm pretty much destined for greatness. I'm just pacing myself so I don't freak you out. ~ Shelley from the comments section

193. Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein, as suggested by Me in the comments section

194. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx, as suggested by Me in the comments section

195. If you watch the Titanic backwards, it's about a magical boat that emerges from the sea and saves people. ~ Myself from the comments section

Yes, these 195 quotes are copied from the Internet. I have no idea who made them up and I don't lay claim to any of them. I thought I would get that in before you start accusing me of plagiarising other people's content.